Scenario: I am walking this weekend in the Stop Modern Slavery Walk DC. I sent out a simple e-mail to friends and family on Tuesday asking for donations. Through their generous support, I reached my $100 fundraising goal by the end of that night. Thanks loved ones! Bud McMahon, someday attorney-at-law, thought I could have raised more donations if I had tweaked my plea. Below are his edits.
Brad: I would have enjoyed your email more if it had more of a Taken vibe:
I don’t know who you are, I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for a charitable donation, I can tell you I have a cause. Human trafficking is a particular blight on our society, a blight that doesn’t receive the attention it deserves. A blight that can be a nightmare for people like you. If you donate now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will beg for a donation.
Me: this is so much better than anything I have ever written in my entire life
Brad: I thought modern slavery was student loans
Me: Bada bing!